As a kid, I often felt like I didn’t quite fit in—like I was doing something wrong without even knowing what it was.

It seemed like I was constantly disappointing my parents or teachers, and the other kids rarely accepted or liked me.

It was confusing—deeply confusing.

I could never figure out what I’d said or done wrong.

Most of the time, it made me want to try harder, to crack the code of what it took to get people’s approval.

But no matter what I tried, it often backfired.

To make things worse, the adults around me were unpredictable. What worked one day might fail the next. Sometimes, they’d just get upset—seemingly out of nowhere, for reasons I couldn’t understand.

Looking back, I can see they had their own issues, and most of it really had nothing to do with me.

But back then, it was impossible to see that.

Somewhere along the way, I became obsessed with being perfect—with getting things right.

It hurt the most when I did something I thought was clever or correct, only to be met with rejection by the adults or kids around me.

Failure quickly became something I feared—something to avoid at all costs.

I learned fast not to do things I wasn’t already good at, because the pain of failure was just too much.

Even when no one else was watching.

Somewhere in that childhood, I also slipped into a lot of magical thinking—which is ironic, because it’s something I’ve always claimed to dislike.

I developed a strong need to be right, to have the kind of knowledge that would make me right.

That need made me vulnerable to believing all kinds of things. I’d cling to ideas, unconsciously avoiding any real examination of them—afraid that if I looked too closely, I’d find out I was wrong.

It’s surprising to look back on now because I value the scientific method and seeking the truth above all else.

But somehow, that mindset followed me into adulthood.

Combined with my deep fear of failure and of looking foolish, it left me stuck in so many areas of life.

Stuck in relationships and jobs long past their expiration date.

Stuck avoiding anything that felt like it might be hard.